I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
