Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
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