Sry I called you an 8
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
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why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
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My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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