Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Randomize
