apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
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