I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
