Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
I queefed so loud it echoed.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
