he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
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I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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