no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
