I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
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I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
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I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
is it fun? or sober?
And then he peed in my hair
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