as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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