i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I need water and some morals
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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