I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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