I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
