Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
