how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Randomize
