i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
