The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
