Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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