If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
