If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
