worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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