I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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