Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Randomize
