Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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