just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Be still, my beating vagina.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
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