can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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