My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
