Fine. I'll sleep in my office
we're chasing vodka with high fives
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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