So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I want to fling myself into the sun
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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