I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
True strength comes from lack of pants
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
