I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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