this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
