6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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