Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
