And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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