i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
