1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
