I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
