Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
