Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
