i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
