Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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