dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Randomize
