He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
