Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
