i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
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He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
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is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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