apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
