she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
