the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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