so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
