just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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