I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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