Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize