ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Come see our sink grown plant.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
