I will die if light touches me.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
