I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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