My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
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