It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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