Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
