3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
